TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you
know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIE: Because George still had the AXE in his hand, mam !!
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to….. ‘cuz my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Mam, Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
GIRL: Luv, When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
BOY: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
GIRL: Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.
SON: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
MOM: Well, you have done the right thing son !.
SON: But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
WIFE: ” What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
HUSBAND: ” Golfing with friends, my dear.”
WIFE: ” What ? At 2 am ? ”
HUSBAND: ” Yes, We used night CLUBS.”
A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE”
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”..
“My father grows beans,” said one student. “My father cooks beans,”
said another. Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her ?
Millionaire: A Billionaire !!
A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me –
my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your
Sense of Humour.” !!
AGAPITO: Pare, da best yung nakuha kong insurance!
pag nasunog ang bahay mo… ipapagawa agad!
pag nawala ang kotse mo. . . papalitan agad!
TULUME: Aba, maganda nga yan pare!
AGAPITO: At ang pinaka da-best dun. . . . pag nawala ang
asawa mo, sinisiguro nilang di na nila ibabalik sayo!!
Okey di ba?
ANAK: Alam nyo ‘tay, KAMUNTIK na po akong maging first
honor kanina sa klase namin!
AMA: Tutuo ba yan anak?
ANAK: Opo ‘tay! kasi itinuro po ng titser namin yung first honor
namin kanina. . . . eh katabi ko po yung tinuro niya!
A LIZARD fell on a table……
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ULAM!
LADY:Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?
PRIEST: Kasi ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!
PARI: Ang mga boys, sumunod sa karo ni San Jose. . . At
ang mga girls, sa karo naman ni Mama Mary !
BAKLA: Kami father, saan kami susunod?
PARI: Hoy! Mga bruha!. . . Follow me!
TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!
SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?
TUKMOL: Wala po sir, survey lang ho….O Ngayon, yung mga duwag naman ang lumabas!
A WOMAN worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A MAN never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A SUCCESSFUL MAN is one who makes money…MORE than his wife can spend.
A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN is one who can find such a man !!
Anong pool ang pwedeng tulugan?
Eh di Pool-ding bed!!
Anong pool naman ang paborito kung pasko?
Eh di delicious a-pool !!
Anong pool naman ang ibinibigay sa mga sexing babae?
Ano pa, eh di Si-pool !!
LADY: Berto! San ka ba galing at inumaga ka ng uwi? Di ba sabi
ko sayo kagabi eh dalhin mo itong pusa at iligaw mo? Eh
bakit nandito pa ‘tong bwisit nato?
HOUSEBOY: Dinala ko nga po siya kagabi dun sa pinaka-loob ng
gubat mam, inikot ko pa nga po ng inikot sa madilim na
lugar bago ko inilabas sa sako yang pusang yan eh!
LADY: Oh eh ano ginawa mo pagkatapos?
HOUSEBOY: Mabuti na nga lang po at naisipan kong sundan siya.. .. .
kaya nga po ako naka-uwi eh!